Hard Things
Summer is officially over this weekend and three weeks ago, we moved Anna Cate in to her dorm room at the University of Tennessee. For many ways, it is the culmination of the entire Senior year and I knew it was coming, but for some reason, the weeks leading up to it gutted me in a way I didn't really expect. I remember driving to school last year and talking about why I wasn't emotional about her "lasts" and I think it was that I was happy that she has her life ahead of her, and I am confident in the foundation she has.
As I have not hidden from those who know me, this is not the childhood I would have planned for her. In fact, in many ways, she was having the childhood I wanted for her before our life changed in 2016. That is not to say there is no joy, that there are no gifts in the unexpected journey.
Also, this summer prepared us a little bit for her leaving in that she was a counselor at a camp where she spent Sunday-Fridays, with little to no phone service and it was a great experience, even though we missed her so much. This year she was the speaker once a week, and I was delighted to hear her spirit, confidence, and message.
Then we did a small "going away" party and I had fun laughing at how far I've come in decorating with a lot of orange.
Then we had a beach vacation with her dear friend Claudia and Nana joining us.
The last morning we were there, the girls and I got up to watch the sunrise and I noticed they had sweatshirts on from where they were going next. And I was filled with peace and excitement for them.
But then once we got back, it just all hit me and every time I thought about it, tears just flowed and the thought of her leaving was a punch in the gut. We talked about how she was feeling and she said, "Honestly Mom the thing I'm going to miss is family." In so many ways, we realized she had said goodbye to pieces of her childhood along the way of this unexpected journey....That her childhood was full, but it wasn't all in one place.
When we moved, she said farewell to her best friend, our church family, and our swim team/neighborhood in 2016.
And then when we moved here, she had great experiences and good friends at Hickman County Schools...
and then said goodbye to go to Independence in 2021.
Then, of course, summer camp is a whole thing where you say goodbye every week. So for HER, saying goodbye to us and our family who live in walking distance was her last one, really.
But I realized for me -- it was all HER CHILDHOOD. And the day she finally left, I could not quit crying. I am so thankful the transition was made easier for her, but my goodness, that did not prepare me at all. When she ran on the treadmill, I thought it would be good to capture that I am not exaggerating! I could not quit crying.
I have been so used to this motherhood gig where I am just "ok this is where we are and what we do" that the wash of emotions sort of shocked me. And I wasn't SAD because she was leaving; I am excited for her -- I love college and know she will too! But I just think that "this is where we are and what to do" calls for profound feelings that a chapter is over. I was just so overcome with the poignancy in what this day meant, that the depth of feelings resonant in me overflowed. I was truly feeling life in a way I think I seldom allow myself to do. And if I think about it too much, it is because having Anna Cate around has in many ways been the best part of my life. She is such a source of love and light, and I know deep down that this marks a new chapter. It is so right but the feelings are just so much. It is the end of an era, and few times in life do we really know when that is happening like the day you leave with your kid for college. It is not even hurt -- I don't know what the word is really. It is like that feeling in church when the service is just so moving, I feel it so deeply that tears start to flow. That is how I feel witnessing ACs childhood, being her mother. I am just so moved by the experience.
My brother and family walked over and I tried to explain these things to him -- that AC didn't have a childhood all in one place so this step isn't as big of a change for her as it was for me and he told the perfect story as a metaphor. The summer after his junior year, he went to the Army's Officer Candidate School; there was a group of candidates getting their stuff all ready and he did his thing, sat on his foot locker and looked over at another guy doing the same while everyone else was sort of scrambling. The young man looked to Douglas and said "Do you go to a military school," to which he responded "Yes, VMI" and the other guy said, "Citadel." Anna Cate has experience with change, moving, and change of routine/scenery, so maybe she can enjoy the view a little, even though it is still a big deal to leave home.
All the changes we made during her childhood, we did as she was a child in our household, together. This one is different; it was my first goodbye to my role as Mom in that capacity, to her as a child.
We stayed in a fun loft in downtown Knoxville, and I drank my coffee the morning before we moved in and watched her sleep.
She did start to cry as we put the finishing touches on her room. I think it was her chance to feel the change maybe. 
But, she had a busy week ahead of her with recruitment. She seemed to have fun and made some fun videos for her cousins, sister, aunts, and me as to what she was wearing!
But, she had a busy week ahead of her with recruitment. She seemed to have fun and made some fun videos for her cousins, sister, aunts, and me as to what she was wearing!
She made some friends, enjoyed the week, and got to "run home" to a dear, dear friend who is in the sorority she got a bid from. That was so special, and it made me believe in the good of sisterhood!
She has had a couple weeks of class and loves seeing people she knows in class. She has made connections trying to get in with the sports training staff.
But like me, she is feeling all the things. She said she misses us, and "it feels like camp... "I've done laundry so when are the parents coming to pick up the kids so I can go home?"
But she is holding that heartache of "missing her parents" AND doing the freshman/ college things like working out, making new friends, going to a football game, and parties, eating in the cafeterias, studying with others, visiting a church with a friend of her Aunt Sarah and experiencing her freshman year. And as I sit to actually reflect on it all, I couldn't be prouder of her courage. I used to think what we want most for our kids is to "be happy" but now I think what I want most for my kids is to have the courage to face life, to find joy, AND be strong enough to admit when it is scary, uncomfortable and a little homesick.
Recently I saw this quote:
I can find a metaphor in anything so this is how I see it -- maybe modern society is built on what you see on social media and an idealized version of reality as the equivalent of "ridding the pain." Yet, a full life is like healing. It is the capacity to hold nostalgia or longing while ALSO participating fully in the joy of whatever unfolds. So, that is where both Anna Cate and I are. I keep thinking it hurts that I couldn't give her an idyllic childhood all in one place, but maybe, just maybe what I gave her is the ability to see what the sign I got for her in her room says: that we can do hard things. We can miss each other and still find all the joy right in front of us.
Comments
Post a Comment